Keep Your Virgins, I Want Wi-Fi
Hell Might Be Real But Heaven’s Just Cringe
This whole afterlife obsession? Let’s stop romanticizing it. It’s a human construct, born out of fear, ignorance, and grief, not out of evidence. There’s zero empirical proof for it. None. The ancient Egyptians mummified their dead and buried them with gold, thinking it would help them in the afterlife. We now display their remains in museums. That’s where belief in the afterlife gets you, wrapped in gauze, priced at $25 admission.
And no, you don’t have proof of a god either. You have a book, the Bible compiled centuries after the events it describes, edited by councils (Council of Nicaea, 325 CE), filtered through politics, tribalism, and power struggles. The Old Testament evolved from older myths, Genesis borrows heavily from the Babylonian Enuma Elish and Epic of Gilgamesh. The flood myth? Older than Noah. Look it up.
Your so-called “Word of God” includes talking snakes (Genesis 3), magical staffs turning into serpents (Exodus 7), and genocides ordered by divine command (1 Samuel 15:3 “Now go and strike Amalek... do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant...”). If an all-knowing, all-good god wrote that, then his moral compass is shattered.
You tell me Yahweh is the one true god. But people believed in Zeus, Ra, Marduk, Baal, Odin, and Shiva, each with temples, rituals, sacred texts, and devoted followers who were just as convinced as you are. Is your belief more valid because it's currently more popular? Then by that logic, in ancient Rome, Jupiter was real. In Egypt, Osiris ruled the afterlife. Christianity didn’t even become mainstream until Emperor Constantine legalized it in 313 CE with the Edict of Milan.
And let’s be honest, most people believe in the god their parents handed down to them. Geography determines faith more than divine revelation. You were born in a Muslim country? You’d probably be reciting the Qur’an instead. Born in India? You’d worship Vishnu. Your god is a product of location, not truth.
Theology? Oh please… Even Christians can’t agree. The early Church split into Nestorians, Monophysites, and Arians, all declared heretics depending on who was in power. Today, we’ve got Catholics, Orthodox, Protestants, Evangelicals, Pentecostals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, all reading the same Bible and drawing different conclusions. Some say faith alone saves (Ephesians 2:8-9), others insist faith without works is dead (James 2:26). Which version do I pick to avoid eternal barbecue?
Even Abraham-the guy you say started it all-had no theology of the afterlife. Jewish scholars agree that early Judaism was largely agnostic about life after death. The Hebrew Bible mentions Sheol, a shadowy place of the dead, not heaven or hell. Concepts like eternal torment didn’t show up until Hellenistic influence after the Babylonian exile and were more fully developed in Second Temple Judaism and apocryphal works like 1 Enoch.
So what’s really going on? You don’t care that people reject god(s) in general. You’re just offended that we reject your god. You’ll gladly tell Hindus they’re wrong, Muslims they’re misled, and atheists they’re damned. You’re not defending truth, you’re defending tribalism. It's not faith. It's brand loyalty with a vengeance.
But let’s say, just for argument’s sake that a god does exist, and I missed the “right” one. Well, great. Which one? Which interpretation? And why would a just god punish me for sincerely rejecting contradictory claims and bad evidence? I wasn’t malicious, I simply refused to nod along to unverifiable nonsense out of fear.
I’ve seen too much hypocrisy in religion to take sermons seriously. From the Crusades, the Inquisition, and the Salem Witch Trials, to modern scandals like pedophile priests, prosperity gospel conmen, and hateful bigots with holy books in hand, don’t talk to me about moral authority. The Church had Galileo arrested for saying the Earth revolves around the Sun. Now you want me to trust your judgment on metaphysics?
Meanwhile, science keeps exposing religious claims as folklore. No global flood. No Adam and Eve. No 6,000-year-old Earth, we have radiometric dating, plate tectonics, genetic evidence, and cosmic background radiation confirming a 13.8-billion-year-old universe and a 4.5-billion-year-old planet. If Genesis is wrong from the first page, why should I trust it on the last?
But okay, Let’s talk about heaven, the ultimate bribe. Billions believe in it, and somehow, they all imagine it differently. Without even checking what their so-called "holy books" actually say, they’ve built little mansions in the clouds out of pure projection. It’s what happens when faith replaces thought, imagination runs wild and common sense dies a slow, reverent death.
Every major belief system dangles heaven like a carrot: a flawless paradise, tailor-made for obedience. It’s the celestial reward factory, the perfect manipulation device to control populations. Be good, pray five times, tithe, maybe blow yourself up and boom, eternal bliss. The Soviet Union used gulags. Religion uses gold-paved streets.
But if we’re being brutally honest? The Christian heaven sounds like the most boring reward ever devised. Revelation 21 talks about no night, buildings made entirely of gold and transparent gems. Beautiful? Maybe, to a medieval peasant who thought shiny things equaled paradise. But to anyone with taste, it sounds like a tacky divine casino. And get this, you’re not even done worshipping. Isaiah 66:22-23 says you’ll still be bowing to God regularly. That’s not rest. That’s eternal servitude with pearly gates.
Mormons at least give you a little plot twist. Their heaven promises family reunions, restored limbs, and marital bliss, if you picked the right church, of course. Sounds heartwarming… until you realize not everyone wants to live with their in-laws forever. Hell is other people, especially when you’re stuck in a cosmic sitcom rerun of your old marriage. Not to mention: your divorced ex comes along? Yikes. And good luck explaining that plastic surgery you paid for. In Mormon heaven, you get your original body back. Bonus: tonsils and appendices included.
Then there’s Scientology, the religion of Hollywood egos. No heaven here either, just an endless cycle of reincarnation. Like Hinduism, where karma means you might be reborn as a frog or into a lower caste. It’s spiritual debt collection, forever. Don’t mess up, or you’ll be cleaning celestial toilets next lifetime.
Now let’s get into Islam, a religion I actually grew up with, so I know what I’m talking about. Islam doesn’t just promise paradise, it gives a full-on travel brochure. We’re talking gardens beneath which rivers flow, wine that doesn’t intoxicate (Qur’an, Surah Al-Waqi’ah: 10-21), and milk streams. Okay, but seriously, what is the point of non-intoxicating wine? Grape syrup?
And the fruit menu? Dates, grapes, pomegranates. That’s it. Apples and coffee? Nope. And let’s be real, not everyone even likes dates. What kind of heaven doesn’t ask for your food allergies?
Then comes the infamous sex clause: Surah Ar-Rahman:56 promises men virgins untouched by humans or jinn. Apparently, emphasizing the jinn part was vital for some reason. Oh, and every time a man has sex with these women, they magically revert to virgins. So basically, eternal hymen regeneration. Sounds more like a gynecological horror film than paradise. Have you met virgins? Half of them lie there like confused starfish or dead lizards. And don’t forget, virgins bleed. Great news for all the holy men who faint at the sight of blood.
It’s all so glaringly patriarchal. Men get wine, women, sex, and gardens. Women? Well, they get to be someone’s reward. What a deal.
But that’s the core flaw of every heaven ever imagined: it assumes we all want the same damn thing. Paradise, apparently, is a one-size-fits-none. For me, heaven isn’t heaven without strong coffee, fast internet, and a comfy corner with tons of books. If your preacher promised Wi-Fi in paradise, you'd declare him a lunatic and exile him from the mosque or church. But somehow, you expect me to be thrilled about rivers of milk and mandatory harp music?
Here’s the deeper issue, eternity itself. Infinite time + finite pleasure = inevitable boredom. I don’t care how delicious those grapes are, or how bouncy your houris, do it for 100 years, and you’ll be begging for death. We value pleasure because it ends. Because we work for it. Strip away struggle, and joy becomes meaningless. Even bliss becomes dull when you don’t have to earn it.
And if God removes our capacity to feel boredom in heaven? Then we’re not us anymore. We’re lobotomized drones in a divine simulation. If God really understood us, he’d just prescribe dopamine triggers, or better, skip the theatrics and hand out morphine, weed, or MDMA at the gates. It's all chemicals anyway, right? He’s omniscient, after all. Hell yeah!
Now let’s put on our historical glasses. The concept of heaven wasn’t dropped from the sky, it evolved, like everything else. In Greek mythology, you had Elysium, a field of eternal leisure for heroes. Guarding Hades was Cerberus, a three-headed dog that let souls in but never out. Each head? Past, present, and future. Like a hellish metaphor for human memory, once you're in, you live with your choices.
For the Vikings? Heaven -Valhalla- was a testosterone-fueled frat party: endless mead, roast boar, and sword fights. But only for those who died in battle. If you died from disease? Tough luck. No mead for you. It was a tool to glorify war and control the masses, motivate young men to die for the tribe by dangling postmortem beer pong with Odin.
Sound familiar?
Every version of heaven reflects the cultural neuroses of the people who created it. Tribal societies? Sex and food. Warrior cultures? Combat and honor. Oppressed communities? Justice and revenge. Heaven is wish fulfillment with divine branding.
And about hell, Well…let’s not pretend it’s Biblical. The Old Testament is silent on eternal torment. The concept of hell as a fiery pit of torture is rooted more in Greek mythology (Tartarus) and Dante’s Inferno than in Scripture. Jesus used the word Gehenna, referring to a trash-burning valley outside Jerusalem, not some eternal torture dungeon run by demons with pitchforks. Eternal hell was theologically exaggerated over centuries to keep peasants in line. Fear sells. Fear controls.
And that’s the real kicker, it’s all projection. Your ideal heaven isn’t mine. Mine isn’t yours. And that’s the final proof that none of them are real. Because a real paradise created by an all-knowing god would blow our minds. It wouldn’t read like a medieval travel guide written by horny shepherds.And don’t tell me God’s “hidden” because faith is a test. He wasn’t hidden for Moses. Not for Paul. Not for doubting Thomas. God used to show up. Burning bushes. Talking donkeys. Parting seas. But now, when we have cameras, satellites, and peer-reviewed journals? Suddenly, He’s shy. Give me a break, Karen.
We didn’t become atheists out of rebellion. We did it because the evidence didn’t hold up. We got tired of spiritual gaslighting. Tired of being told “you just need more faith” when questions deserved answers. We wanted truths and got fairy tales.
So here’s the bottom line:
You don’t have evidence. You have stories.
You don’t have truth. You have theology shaped by time, power, and propaganda.
You threaten hell because you can’t inspire heaven.
You sell comfort, not answers.
You want us to believe? Don’t threaten us with hell. Inspire us with something real. Show us a life of such kindness, wisdom, and integrity that we want to follow. And if your god is real, he’ll have no problem showing up. Until then?
Shut. The hell. Up.
If there’s justice, it won’t be us, the thinkers, the skeptics, the truth-seekers who burn. If there's justice in the universe, actual justice, then people who think, question, and try to live decent lives without fear of invisible dictators will be rewarded. It’ll be the hypocrites. The power-hungry clerics, who shouted threats in God's name, who twisted minds with eternal fire,the charlatans who preyed on fear and sold salvation like snake oil, they’ll get exactly the silence they deserve.
If you need religion and the threat of hell to prevent you from doing evil, for the sake of Anubis and Odin, keep being religious!
If you need religion and the promise of heaven for motivation to do good, for Helios and Toutatis, keep being religious!
If you can't use your own brains to differentiate between good and evil, for the sake of Horus and Ishtar, stay religious!
If you need a priest and cleric to think that killing is evil, for Ares and Baal's sake, keep being religious!
Doing kindness to others is a logical and understandable act without religion and the promise of heaven. If you always ask about the imbalance between religion and the behavior of its followers ... you are not alone, my friend ... I am here.
And maybe…just maybe, we’ll wake up in whatever “afterlife” there is, surrounded by good people who questioned bad systems, while the sanctimonious rot in the corner, stunned that their hate and piety didn’t buy them a VIP pass. Who knows?
But if there’s one thing I’ll bet my soul on, it’s this:
I’d rather burn for thinking and face the unknown with clear eyes than bow for believing a lie.